THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE

WARNING: this article may contain heartbreaking thoughts.

A heartbreak that leads me to the love that I truly deserve.

Two and a half years ago, I was struck by a crazy little thing called love. It was a feeling of being happy and comfortable with someone. Someone I never expected to leave a massive scar on my heart. At that moment, I told my self "maybe he's the one". I always have that dancing-butterflies-on-my-tummy kind of feeling every time he text
me goodmornings and goodnights. We were so happy and contented. We have a mutual feeling that only us could understand. He knew everything about me; my secrets and my flaws. We promised not to keep secrets from each other. Everything. He told me all his sugar-coated words I could ever hear from a guy; he said he won't hurt me. He was so sweet, thoughtful and loving kind of guy.

But everything turned out grey when he unintentionally chose to break my heart. He lied. He cheated. He lost my trust. 

He tried everything to win me back.
My trust. Everything he lost because of his one stupid mistake. He asked again and again for one last chance.

Of course I'm just a human being and I'm good at forgiving. So, I forgave him and tried to forget everything. We worked things out for the nth time. But then again, HE WAS SUCH A JERK. He made the same mistake all over again. I was hurt. Vulnerable. The feeling was like being stabbed a million times. It was like being burned twice by the same fire. I'm so over reacting right? haha. I hated him so much. I wanted to slap him and hurt him back. Cursed him and almost killed him a hundred times in my mind. I was so hopeless and broken. I became numb until I can't feel anything. I was stuck in a toxic love.I never cried. NEVER. Instead, I made my self better. I spend time with my long-distance-friends and my family. I thank God for having them as my knight in shining armors in my battle of heartaches.

And because of that teen-age-puppy-love-heartache I came up with these shield for my baby heart:

• I seek God. I talked to Him everyday, asking for the answers for my undying questions. He answered. You know what He told me? As I was browsing my Daily Bible Verse app, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 caught my attention. It says, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. By that verse I realized that the guy who was once a reason of my heart aches is not worthy. He is not worth it. I don't deserve him. He will never deserve my love. And the love he showed me is far from the verse's meaning of love. There's so much difference between he's the one and he's the right one.
• I learned to love my self next to God. I realized that I can't find the love that I deserve if I don't know how to love my self first. By that means, I eat, sleep, work out, dress-up, have fun with friends, do everything that makes me happy without thinking others aside from my self. I made my self a better person. I dream. Make plans. Start a career. Sometimes, a little selfishness is healthy.
• I spend time with my family. As of now, I became closer and open to my family. I never felt any bit of loneliness with them. They filled me everyday with the love I truly deserve. They helped throughout everything. They never left my side. Family is always there through good times and bad.
• I get to know my realest friends. They are the kind of friends who never left me hanging. They are the friends who would slap me hard just to let me know that the guy I'm crazy about is not worth it. They're the ones who would tell me if I'm ugly in the selfie I just posted or who would tell me to control my diet because I'm getting fat. They are true. Genuine. Shout out to KC, Apol, Jeljel, Shane and ofc my pretty sissums, Yanyan.

I'm so much thankful to the guy who broke my heart, because of you I became stronger, I knew my worth, I became closer to God, and I found the love that I truly deserve, and it will never be you. And thank you also because you gave me a reason on what to blog about at 3am. Haha

I'm just 20 and I don't need to settle for anyone now. I am patiently waiting for the other kind of love that I deserve. The right love that God will give me in the right time.

Dear readers, thank you so much for dropping by and I hope you enjoyed reading. I poured my heart out on this article. I hope you were inspired by reading this. To the young girls out there, don't rush on love sweeties. Know your worth. Trust and believe in God. Love your self. Belle vie! <3

M A N T R A

Best things come to those who patiently wait.